a directed heart

a glimpse inside

reflections on my wise[fool]dom spring semester


It’s my last week as a sophomore. 

In the middle of the crazy semester, everything seems so hectic and stressful… All my commitments and responsibilities feel burdensome, and I forget what is most important.

And then I remember it all at the end of the semester, when everyone is about to leave for the summer and things start to calm down for finals week.

A trivial example:
-My Psalms journal… I put off an assignment for my Psalms class that seemed burdensome on top of everything else I had to do each week throughout the semester. But if I had worked a little at a time, I could have learned and applied so much more from my class about the Psalms. About prayer in the Psalms (something on my 20 while I’m 20 list). I guess this shows that I’ve failed #8 so far this year.

A much more crucial example:
-Time with Jesus. In my day-to-day for this past semester, it has been so easy to forget Jesus and to run around with my head cut off all day long. How does one last all day without her head? Many days I attempted to make it. I look back now and see how pitiful that picture looks. I look back with sadness that I didn’t sit at the feet of my King every morning in worship and in eagerness to learn. Instead I woke up late, got ready, sat in class, met with so-and-so, went to class, went to work, met with so-and-so, went to my evening commitment, met with so-and-so, ate, did homework, went to sleep too late, and woke up again to perform the same routine.

Jesus, I am sorry that I am so quick to forget how much I need you. I’m sorry for my arrogance in thinking that I don’t need to sit at your feet. Even more than that, I am broken by the thought that my heart wasn’t enthralled by, longing for, and clinging to the sound of your name over the past 4 months. Instead I occupied my affections with sleep, food, my appearance, and others’ approval and attention. I spent time crying over feeling left out and unwanted by people instead of rejoicing that I am unconditionally loved and cherished by my Father.  I devoted so much of my thoughts to critiquing my body and my friendships and my abilities and my lack thereof instead of reminding myself that my time here is fleeting, my home is in heaven, and I am made new, whole, complete, and perfect in Christ alone. I let my hope be spread across so many shallow channels instead of pouring everything that I have into the deep well that is You, Jesus Christ.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord! O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!
If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the Lord!
For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.
And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities. [Psalm 130]

In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace… as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. [Eph 1:5-8,10]

Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. [Ps 116:7-9]

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! [Ps 139:23-24]

Father, all I have is yours, and all I want is you. Thank you for your abundant mercy every day. Thank you for knowing me and allowing me to know you. I want to know you so much more deeply. Amen.

Now it’s time to stop living with my face in the future, but rather with my mind in the now… focused on Him and what he has for me here, today, now.


2 thoughts on “reflections on my wise[fool]dom spring semester

  1. He rejoices over you with singing!! Hallelujah! cause your best devastates Him but Christ was devastated so that we could be brought to God, amen!!

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